"Walter? Honey, where are you? Shadow? Hey! Are you
still feeding Shadow? Well, answer me!"
- Roy's mother, an hour
earlier from now,
wondering where her
husband and dog have
gotten themselves to.
"...This is W.D.E.R., Cassville's very own party station,
broadcasting live from our special party booth here at
Generic Corporation's Death Adventure. Hi, Eddie McDirty
here at nine fifteen this partying night, only fifteen
minutes 'til the incredible fireworks display by the lake.
"Let's get right with it, folks, with todays
sports--here's Babe Headflatt!"
"Babe quit just a few minutes ago. Said something about
a strike--I think he's having a nervous breakdown..."
"And that's the sports news for tonight! Now here's a
final commercial from Cosy Corners Cleaners!"
"Hello. This is Peter Temperature, and this is my sister
"Thanks a lot you peckerheads for not coming to our store
and bringing your dry cleaning here--"
"Shut up Dawn! Dad told me to do this commercial and--"
"Well, it's their fault were going out of business!"
"It's not their fault; they didn't have to come--"
"Yeah it is! We told them peckerheads to!"
"Doesn't matter, Dawn... Hi, this is Peter from--"
"You already told them who you are!"
"Shut up! Peter from Cosy Corners Dry Cleaners and we're
having a going out of business sale--"
"Thank you Cosy Corners Cleaners. And now for today's
"First up. Today a representative of Publishers Cleaning
House disclosed a press statement concerning the mysterious
disappearance of ten million dollars yesterday. He said that
a person by the name of "Your Name Here" cashed a
non-negotiable check for ten million dollars, deposited it in
the form of a very large checking account at the Cassville
branch of the Money Hut and has reportedly spent over a half
million of it already. No physical description is available
at this time, as the teller that handled this particular
transaction, a Miss Laurie Miller, mysteriously disappeared
later that day. Police are having trouble deciphering the
surveillance photos from the bank's camera system since they
are covered with spaghetti sauce and grated Italian cheese.
The IRS said that they will be investigating this further.
"A sad note in the news tonight. Walter Bluehaul and his
pet dog were found a little under an hour ago, slain in their
own Cassville backyard. Walter was shot in the head with a
wooden arrow, the county Coroner stated, and the dog fell
victim to a large knife wound to the head. The police
believe it to be murder and said that they will be
investigating this further.
"And now here's a bit of news from right here at Death
Adventure. It seems there have been a number of disturbances
up at the front gate today when more than a few rowdy people
attempted to gain entrance to the park by using the senior
citizen's entrance. One young man, carrying a black bookbag,
is said to have gained admission by threatening the ticket
agent with a handgun. Death Adventure security is said to be
currently tracking that person down as we speak, so there
should be no problem upcoming.
"Two news flashes has just been dropped in to me...
First it seems that a small argument is breaking out in the
center of the Games circle as we speak; so far they have been
limited to yelling and screaming at one another but you can't
be too sure about fights, now can we? Death Adventure
security said they are congregating near the Games circle and
will quell this fight with one fatal swoop. They also
admitted that this sort of thing happens all the time around
here and is of no danger to any guests, but they urge the
crowd surrounding the combatants to please leave so that the
fight can be stopped quickly.
"Secondly, the bodies of two Death Adventure security
guards were found just a moment ago in the public men's
restroom opposite the fountain near the front gate. Although
they appear to have strangled themselves to death--choking
each other, the presence of a slimy liquid coating their
clothing and the words "Righty-ho and a Goonie Goo-goo"
mysteriously written in slime on some of the bathroom walls
leads the Death Adventure security force to not rule out foul
"This just handed to me; it seems that the young man
carrying the bookbag has been spotted by numerous guests
stating that they had seen him skulking in and around most of
the rides and attractions of the park. D.A. security has yet
to apprehend him.
"Also, Cassville police have just apprehended the man who
robbed the Cassville 11-7 convenience store yesterday. He
was arrested for two counts of attempted robbery, one count
of auto theft, one count of attempted rape, and one count of
impersonating a mime with a deadly weapon.
"Well, that's about it--hey, look at that! It seems the
fireworks has started a bit early tonight; I see ten
spectacular red rockets shooting into the sky right now.
Hmn... I thought they were holding the fireworks over the
lake, but it seems they're holding it over the Games circle
tonight, folks. Oh wow! They grew into big balls of red
fire and they've shot off in random directions! Hmn--one's
right over us and it seems to be coming this wa--"