"Only sixteen more chapters to go until the big fight!"
- A big white billboard on
the highway of chapters in
"...This is W.D.E.R., 109.75 FM broadcasting live from
our special party prize booth by the lake at Generic
Corporation's Death Adventure. It is exactly six-ish this
fine evening, with the fireworks spectacular just a few hours
"Eddie McDirty here, and a big hello to all you Death
Adventure goers out there having a great time on all those
gut-twisting, spine-wrenching, wallet-losing rides like The
South American Ice Cream Machine and That Flying Swing Ride
That No One Can Remember The Name Of.
"This special note just in--Eastern Shootout is
temporarily out of order this evening--it seems someone
accidentally set it on fire. Spectators say it was a clown
with magical powers. But not to worry--Cleveland Shootout,
located next to the Mediocre Wheel, is still operating fine
for your shooting pleasure. Now it's commercial time."
"Dud's McKrazy is such a party animal--"
"Dud's McKrazy; he's our dog--"
"If he can't drink it, nobody can--"
"So buy our Dudswiener beer--"
"And now, yet another commercial for Cosy Corners Dry
"Here's a story--of a man named Temperature,
who had a store all to his own,
it has really nice prices--but I'm still all alone,
'til one day--hopefully soon,
you people decided to come,
bringing all your dry cleaning stuff!
"Err, yeah. Thanks Cosy Corners Cleaners. And now for
today's sports with Babe Headflatt!"
"...Ahem. Nobody played today, Ed. Every game in every
sport in every country was rained out. Even indoor hockey.
Nobody has played a professional game since that strange
noise went off... I can't explain it... I can't take this
anymore... why me?"
"Oh. Well, that's about it for the sports today, folks.
And now a movie review by yours truly:
"Ahem--I have seen bad movies before, but this one has
got to be the worst movie ever made! "Ten Minutes Late for
Reality--The Movie" has opened in movie theaters across the
country today, and if I had my way, it would close today as
well. It starts out with such an unbelievable character
named Lou Morris and ends with, well, I don't know--I didn't
stay long enough to see the end, let alone the middle. Let's
put it this way: if you loved "Howard the Duck" and
"Airplane II," you might like this movie; otherwise steer
clear of this disaster of a film. Negative stars aren't bad
enough to rate this movie; I rate this flick minus four
"This just in--an update on the hospitalization of Corbin
Wick, the young man who received a slight electrocution
mid-yesterday. It seems he has disappeared from his room at
Paul Killmall Hospital an hour or two ago. Although he is
not in serious danger, hospital authorities assure us that he
must be located in order to treat a swollen eye. If you see
him, please contact the Paul Killmall Medical Center or come
on down here and visit us here at our party booth at Generic
Corporation's Death Adventure.
"And now a message from your local Cassville police
department's Special Seat-belt Task Force:"
"Listen up all you morons! We're sick of singing songs
of seat-belt safety, sick of showing idiots like you pictures
of crash-test dummies flying through car windshields, really
sick of telling all you dirtbags out there to 'Buckle-up' or
'Make-it-click,' and totally sick of telling you to wear your
blankety-blank seat-belts. So now we're gonna try to
persuade you just one last time! If I or any one of our
specially trained seat-belt task force spots you abusing your
seat-belt privilege by not wearing it, we're gonna blow your
blanking head off! Then we'll give you a thousand dollar
ticket and toss you in jail for a year! Got it?! Good. Now
don't let us catch you not wearing your seat-belt, okay boys
and girls? Or else!"
"The preceding message has been brought to you by the
'Give a Cop Something To Do In Cassville Foundation.' Make
it click or click will be the last thing you ever hear."
"Thank you Cassville police for that special seat-belt
safety tip for the day.
"Yes, this is W.D.E.R., broadcasting live from our party
booth here at Generic Corporation's Death Adventure! Let's
hear some opinions from some of the people having a great
time here at D.A.! Hey, you! You, sir. You look like
you're having a great time. Tell all of us about your day
here at this great amusement park."
"Oh, really? Sounds like you're having a great time.
Are you going to dance by the lake tonight at Death
Adventure's fireworks festival?"
"Yeah, I hear that it's really going to be a blast. So
where are you from?"
"See--the partying power of W.D.E.R. brings people
together the world over. Oh, here's a new and interesting
face. Sir? You're all dressed in fiery red robes; are you
going to be part of the fireworks tonight?"
"Fire? Did you say--fireworks? Tonight?"
"Yeah, man. How much do you pay for that fake fire
costume? I can't wait to see you in the pyrotechnics show
"If there is a fire, 'twill be there for sure!"
"We've got ourselves a red-blooded pyromaniac here,
folks! I'll bet you'll burn up the dance floor tonight."
"'Twill burn more than that."
"So where you from, fire-man? New York? Or did you just
appear out of nowhere just to burn the park down--heh, heh?
"Actually, I'm originally from the Elemental plane of
Fire. And 'tis a good idea you have there--heh, heh."
"And that's all we have time for, here at our party
booth. This is W.D.E.R. saying so long from D.A.!"