"Guys? Where are all of ye...? Guys? I'm still trapped
"...This is W.D.E.R., 109.75 FM, broadcasting live today
from our special party booth at Generic Corporation's Death
"Hi, this is Eddie McDirty, live from Death Adventure.
It's a little after noon right now, so come on down and join
us here for a special 'dancing by the lake party,' complete
with fireworks, starting at nine tonight!
"And now for the top news for today. It just happened at
exactly noon--a huge fire storm occurred in the New Prospect
woods, a few hundred feet from our party booth here at D.A..
Luckily, the New Prospect lake stemmed most of the flames
from reaching us, so don't worry, D.A. is safe--nothing to
worry about, for now. The Cassville fire department is on
the scene--hopefully they will get the outer edges of the
fire under control by two o'clock. No casualties as of yet.
"Next up, a really far fetched story here, folks. It
seems someone stole Lou Morris's car, a 1971 Buick Riviera,
yesterday at the local 11-7 robbery. Last night, state
police found the car abandoned on the parkway, out of gas.
So, in the morning, they towed it to Lou's Cassville home.
Then, when they lowered it off of the flatbed tow truck, a
small localized earthquake opened a crack in the ground and
the Riviera fell in! That's not all! After Lou feinted a
second later, someone must've dropped a Mickey Moose plastic
guitar from an airplane, because it fell on his head. Lou is
now at Paul Killmall Medical Center and is listed in awkward
condition. Do you believe that? You would think stuff like
that only happened in strange books and in the movies...
"And now for a message from our sponsor--Cosy Corners
"Hello, this is Mr. Temperature from Cosy Corners
Cleaners and I'd like to take a minute of your time to talk
to you. Thank you, and hope to see you soon at our store."
"Err, yeah. And now a message from another sponsor,
"Hey! Guess what? Now, not only will you get our 'I'm
gonna pay a lot and still not get quality' Meanikey mufflers,
you also get our brand new 'Lifetime guarantee!' Yes, now
your Meanikey mufflers are guaranteed for the life of your
mufflers! So come on down and buy a few pairs! We're
inconveniently located ten miles east of Generic
Corporation's Death Adventure--on the Pennsylvania State
turnpike, so there's no reason why you all shouldn't come on
down and give us all of your money!"
"And now a sad story for us at W.D.E.R.--a local Bucks
County College student, Corbin Wick, went through the
equivalent of a frontal lobotomy by a surge of lightning
passing through his body. It seems that he was struck by a
bolt of lightning in his basement at exactly noon today. No
one is exactly sure how it happened. Corbin's mother had
this to say about the accident:"
"--Have you seen the garage door opener?"
"And here's a mumbled comment from the dazed Corbin
"--Righty-ho and a Goonie Goo-goo!"
"Strange. Next to lastly, here's a traffic report from
our own Miss Chopper:"
"...Hi, I'm Miss Chopper, the traffic lady. Right now,
I'm sitting in my Jeep on the backed-up Route Nine. It seems
that a number of parachutes blew onto the roadway, causing a
few minor accidents, slowing traffic for a couple of miles in
both directions. Cassville police should be on hand in a few
minutes to straighten things out. Back to you, Eddie."
"Lastly, here's a message from a Mr. Your Name Here:"
"Lost: one black leatherette checkbook with goldish
initials, Y.N.H., lost in the Bucks County shopping mall
yesterday. A small reward is offered. If found, please
call: 928-1111. Thank you."
"Hey, we've gotta go for right now. Hope you're having
as much fun as we are! Come on down and see us at our
special party booth at Generic Corporation's Death Adventure
for costume day! This is Eddie McDirty saying hola! Bye."