"...We interrupt this regularly scheduled chapter to
bring you a special report from W.D.E.R., 109.75 FM..."
- W.D.E.R., 109.75
FM--Cassville's own radio
"A big hello to all you folks out there in book-land!
This is W.D.E.R., Cassville's number one news radio station
bringing you the top news stories that affect you. Today.
"I am Eddie McDirty and here is the top item right now...
An unidentified young man was apprehended by two Cassville
policemen a few minutes ago after he apparently assaulted a
police officer with a deadly weapon, mainly a pasta maker.
Boy, you'd better watch out for those fruit cakes these days,
"Also in the news: A number of area residents have
called in, reporting sightings of a ghostly fish... yes, I
read that right, a ghostly fish roaming the neighborhood.
Cassville police denied these reports saying that they
haven't seen floating fish around any of the coffee and
doughnut shops in Cassville yet. Hmn...
"Another big story just in... Publisher's Cleaning House
Corporation reported an inexplicable loss of ten million
dollars today. Sources say that a blown computer terminal
will delay the search for at least another day or two.
"And now for the sports news, here's the award winning
Da-de, da-dum, dum-de!
"And now for the sports that really count, the plays that
really play... it's Babe Headflatt!"
"Yes-sir! I'm Babe Headflatt and in the sports news
today, well... well... well, everyone tied. I'm not
kidding... not a single team--anywhere--scored at all. Not
in football, baseball, soccer... not even professional post
card mailing! And this is even stranger yet; every game was
also accompanied by some sort of obscene bodily noise or
something. Well, I guess that about wraps it all up for
todays scores. I'm Babe Headflatt; back to you Eddie!"
"Hmn... that does sound strange, Babe. Hope it sorts
itself out or you'll be out of a job... ha, ha, he; only
kidding. And here's a commercial!"
"Testing... one--two--three... Generic make-an-ad kit...
record at second beep..."
"Hello consumers, this is--place company name here--Cosy
Corners Cleaners we're having a grand opening sale--type of
sale here--so, come to save!"
"Ahem. Err, yeah. Okay. Next item up in the news is a
sad one, folks. It seems that area resident, Laurie Miller
literally disappeared in thin air while she was working at
the Cassville branch of the Money-Hut. Her boss, Freddie,
had this comment:"
"It wuz right after she gives dis guy a new checking book
account. He walks out, a second later dis 'Phaarrt' sound
comes outa nowhere and poof, she's gone. And me wit ten
pizza specials in the oven. She didn't even get her
paycheck. And when I look down to see if she hid under da
counter or something, I finds dis stupid fake gold coin with
a big eye plastered on it. It says 'Righty-ho!' on it. I
turn it over, and it says 'A Goonie Goo-goo!' I don't get
"Cassville police says that dey--ahem--they will get on
it as soon as possible. We'll keep you up-to-date as this
mysterious story continues.
"Now here's a commercial for Generic Corporation's Death
Adventure, the largest amusement park and safari in the
northeast corner of Cassville, Pennsylvania!"
"Hello, and hope to see you at Generic Corporation's
Death Adventure tomorrow for our annual costume party and
dance by the lake sponsored in part by W.D.E.R. and the local
Cassville safety council. W.D.E.R. will be on hand for
up-to-the-minute news reports and jamming music for the
fireworks party by the lake. Come dressed in a costume and
receive ten percent off our late-night admission after twelve
p.m.! We're conveniently located in Cassville right off the
northern parkway exit, so come on down--before we close at
midnight--for the largest amusement park and safari in the
world, not including any larger amusement park or safari.
You'll be glad you did!"
"Also in the news, we have a press statement from the
Clam Creek nuclear power station of Bucks County,
"Hello residents of Bucks County. Despite the rumors of
a radioactive meltdown, Clam Creek power station is in
perfect running condition. Yes, a small harmless piece of
meteorite did fall into our power station earlier today but
it caused almost no damage and everything is running
smoothly. Thank you and have a nice day."
"NASA has yet to find evidence of the alleged meteorite
as it was not detected by their sophisticated radar systems.
"And that's all the time for the news right now... Eddie
McDirty signing out. Adios!"